The New Year is just around the corner and 2011 predictions are bound to cause a stir. After decorating the Christmas tree and relaxing with a festive glass of eggnog flavored with our favorite spirit, we pondered the unbelievable events of 2010.
Even more implausible are our 2011 predictions during the "Year of the Rabbit..."
- The seventy-one year old Bugs Bunny will be committed to the Wild Hare sanitarium after beheading Elmer Fudd. Staff members will constantly complain when Bugs sneaks up on them and mutters, "Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits."
- Korea Airlines and Israeli airline El AL will merge into KAL EL (the Superman airlines). The Man of Steel is depicted "in flight" across the fuselages and all the stewardesses wear "Lois Lane" name cards, to ease confusion (according to EL AL security).
- North Korea, not to be undone, will counter with its own airline. To become popularly known as "Lil Kim Airlines," the jet fleet will tout illustrations of Kim Jong-Il (dressed in a cape and sprouting his own wings) on the fuselages.
- The Obama administration will announce the advent of a portable money printing machine (the PMPM-1000000) that will print one million dollar bills. The first unit is slated for installation in the White House, "Green Room." Studies have shown that the new machine will save the Treasury Department millions.
- In an unprecedented move, the White House will create the Department of Information. Their first order of business will be to remove the term "Global Warning" from the English language and replace it with "Bad Weather."
- The New York Yankees will offer President Obama a seven year twenty-one million dollar contract (to commence January 13, 2013). The "Bronzed Bomber's" job will be to improve the Yankee's tarnished image by having players "reach out to America" and tax citizen's willingness for change.
- Wiki Leaks founder Julian Assange will host "Saturday Night Live" (SNL). During hilarious skits the popular globetrotting hacker will reveal KFC's secret fried chicken recipe and the launch codes for the Strategic Air Command's missile defense system.
- NBC, in desperate ratings quest, will announce that reality TV beauty Kim Kardashian will star as Scarlett O'Hara in a TV miniseries remake of "Gone With The Wind," co-starring Pierce Brosnan as Rhett Butler. A surprise addition to the cast is Lady Gaga to play the Atlanta Madam, Belle Watling.
- In a shocking announcement, TV network news media pundits (Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Bill O'Reilly, et al.) will admit that their news programs are "just entertainment" at a national media town hall meeting. Their retort to audience catcalls will be: "We thought you already knew."
- Perhaps the most disturbing of the 2011 predictions will come from the medical community. The American Medical Association (AMA) will make a major announcement that will send shock waves around the world. 3-D, the motion picture rage, will be found to have caused the visual impairment known as strabismus (cross-eyes) in over a million movie goers worldwide!
- Members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that UFO's do exist during Geraldo Rivera's "Search for UFOs" Fox Special. Unfortunately, the spectacular will be pre-empted by breaking news-the birth of (future Scarlett O'Hara) Kim Kardashian's offspring.
- In late 2011, China will make the startling announcement that it has taken over the continent of Africa (renamed Chinafrica). Beijing announces that where applicable, Chinese restaurants in third world countries will serve as embassies until proper structures are constructed.
Admittedly, these 2011 predictions are off the current radar screens. That is precisely why they will be so earth-shaking when revealed during the coming year. It should be noted that attempts were made to contact international psychics on the level of Edgar Cayce, Betty White, and Nostradamus, but their lack of response only solidified the importance of our 2011 predictions (why would they respond to predictions that are bound to overshadow their own?).
| Doyle Matthews is a former U.S. Foreign Service officer and civilian radio engineer who has had over sixty-five visas stamped in a shoebox full of passports (including diplomatic). He has written four novels, two of which are in publication. Mr. Matthews is currently living and writing in Thailand. |
No comments:
Post a Comment